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This is me. Also on the go but getting nowhere.

As we prepare for St. Patrick's Day, let us pray... Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter and the lager.

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale"

The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless. "Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong." "Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly."

Patrick came out of Mass with a big black eye, and the good Father stopped him. "Patrick! Have ye been brawlin' at the pubs? For shame!" "No, Father, I got this black eye in ye church!" "And how did this happen, boyo?" "Well, Father, I was sittin' in the pew and this *huge*, fat lady sat in front of me. When we stood up to greet ye, I noticed that the dress was caught in the cheeks of her a**, so I pulled it out. Then she turned around and punched me in the eye! Now I ask ye, Father--Was that a Christian thing to do?" "Patrick, Patrick," said Father while shaking his head, "you should be minding your prayers and payin' attention to God. Now, I expect better of you next week." "Aye, Father. I'll do me best." So the next week comes, and Patrick comes out of Mass with a second black eye! Again Father stops him and says, "You won't be having me believe that you got this in me church again, would you?" Patrick says, "But aye, Father, it's true! I was saying me prayers and keeping me mind on God, as ye instructed me, when the self-same fat lady sat in front of me. And when she stood up, her dress was caught between the cheeks of her a** again, and the man next to me pulled it out, because he did not have the benefit of your advice. But I remembered that she liked it better the other way, so I stuffed it back up!

p> An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking.
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed.
So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your damn wheelchair there again."