A Man, A Woman, and A Cat:
Stages in a Relationship
by Colin McEnroe
At the beginning of a relationship... Woman: Darling, I'd like you to meet my cat. Man: (under his breath: Ugh. I hate cats.) Uh, hi. Nice kitty.
As the relationship progresses... Woman: Dear, I get the impression that you don't like my cat. Man: That's ridiculous. I love Poopsie. (under his breath: This cat is ruining our relationship.)
As the relationship reaches a more stable level... Woman: Oh, Poopsie looks just so cute sitting there on your lap. Man: (Darn thing's shedding all over my new suit.) Well, I guess she's not so bad. Later... Woman: I swear, you like that cat more than you like me. Man: You know that's not true. I can't help it if she follows me around all the time.
The final stages... Man: Honey, have you seen my cat anywhere? Woman: What do you mean, your cat?
DIARY OF A CAT
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine on fresh meat while I am forced to eat cereal. Don't know what I'd do without hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining furniture. Tomorrow I eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 Today nearly killed my captors as they stumbled with me entangled in their feet; must try this at the top of the stairs. Vomited again on their favorite chair...try on bed?
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation later.
DAY 765 - Bit the head off a mouse and brought them the headless corpse to show what I am capable of. They only cooed that I was a good little cat...Hmmm. Must find new plan.
DAY 768 - Water torture involving a burning liquid called "shampoo". I am finally aware of how sadistic they can be. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was a gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to turn it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and snitches. The dog is routinely released and happily returns-obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand must be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue and I am certain he reports my every move. He is protected in the metal wire room. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ....
Cats in Physics
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. Law of Cat Stretching A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat. Law of Cat Elongation A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. Law of Rug Configuration No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. Law of Obedience Resistance A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something. First Law of Energy Conservation Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. Second Law of Energy Conservation Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. Law of Refrigerator Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. Law of Electric Blanket Attraction Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. Law of Random Comfort Seeking A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. Law of Bag / Box Occupancy All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. Law of Cat Embarrassment A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. Law of Furniture Replacement A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. Law of Cat Landing A cat will always land in the softest place possible. Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. Law of Pill Rejection Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.